All I want for Christmas is You

December 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

You. Yes you. Giant inflatable hamster ball. Your name is Zorb and you will be forever mine.

Ah, what I wouldn’t give to be a hamster for a day (almost nothing). But I’ve always envied those little vertical carousels that hamsters get in their cages. I like watching them go round and round, running until their little rodent feet tire from the exhaustion that comes from running a metal treadmill for hours on end. My longing days are over — now that humans have invented a gigantic version, I can have the same exhausting dizzying experience! It’s a new sport called Globe Riding, and according to Zorb.com, the official definition is as follows: “The sport of rolling down a hill in a large inflatable globe.” The company is based in New Zealand but they have an option for people in the U.S. to order tickets internationally. You can do it wet or dry, slow or fast, but this experience is not for the weak of heart, or stomach. The ball is operated by the Zorb company, who controls the rides.

I don’t plan on going Down Under any time soon, so instead of a ticket to Zorb, I’d rather you simply invest in a human hamster ball just for me so I can do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL9dFYzHo88

and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9OfQL1D_hE&feature=related

and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98M1mqKGJJc

p.s. one time my hamster rolled down the stairs in his hamster ball and lived!

The Truth About Skittles

November 30, 2010 § Leave a comment

Fun facts about the pebble-sized colorful chewy candy.

Fact 1: Skittles were originally a British candy. Unfortunately, the word “skittles” sounds about the same with a British accent as it does in English. Oh well.

Fact 2: The Skittles candy advertising slogan is “taste the rainbow.” But its a lie. You can’t taste the rainbow. Not in Skittle form, at least. The original flavor bag of Skittles features red, purple, yellow, orange, and green skittles… but no blue. Apparently the Wrigley Jr. Company has lied to us. The nerve! Now, you can find blue Skittles in the tropical flavored pack, but not in the original.

Fact 3: Skittles is also the name of a game, a type of bowling that is played on the grass and is too complicated to explain here. It has been suggested that the name actually comes from the onomatopoeic word that describes the noise made when the parts of the game fall down.

Fact 4: The chewy rainbow candy can be fun for adults as well as kids, in the form of Skittles Vodka. I’m not kidding. There’s a recipe online. Drink the rainbow responsibly.

Fact 5: The LGTB community has stolen the slogan. No fair!

Fact 6: You can follow Skittles on twitter (@skittles). Follow the rainbow (minus  blue). Here’s @Skittles’ post from last October: “Halloween, the only day I can get away with dressing like myself.”

How To Get On TV

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Having your own television show is easy, as long as you fit the specific qualifications.

You can have your own show on the Discovery Health Channel if you

  • reproduce exponentially in Arkansas and name all your kids J-names
  • like to analyze corpses
  • didn’t know you were pregnant

You can have your own show on TLC if you

  • are a little person in a big world
  • just wanted one more but ended up with six
  • like to be da’ bahwuss of da’ bakery

You can have your own show on the Disney Channel if you

  • have the best of both worlds
  • live a sweet life
  • if you’re lucky, like Charlie

You can have your own show on the Weather Channel if you

  • experience partly windy conditions followed by sun with a 40% chance of sleet
  • like to lie
  • get a rush out of catching deadly things

You can have your own show on Nickelodeon if you

  • are a hideous 2D character whose ugliness is outweighed only by the brightness of his clothing
  • have a voice that sounds prepubescent
  • that’s pretty much it

You can have your own show on MTV if you

  • grossly over-represent and over-reinforce an ethnicity stereotype – New Jersey, for example
  • are teenaged and with child
  • were born with a physical deformity and have a sad but true life

You can have your own show on VH1 if you

  • are into Rihanna and Michael Jackson and all that jazz
  • heart the 70s, 80s, and 90s
  • know how to count backwards from twenty to zero

You can have your own show on HGTV if you

  • are a boring, middle-class, middle-aged couple looking for a good deal on a house
  • are really, really messy
  • are homosexual

There’s a show for everybody. You just have to find one that fits your style.

Grumpy Taffy

November 27, 2010 § Leave a comment

At my orientation, I was required to attend the activities fair. One table in the corner representing a group was trying to attract new students by handing out free Laffy Taffy. But you weren’t allowed to take one until they read you several of the horrible jokes on the wrapper. They didn’t get many new club members that day. I’m still a little bitter about it, and so I wrote this post hating on Laffy Taffy. (Actually I just ate a piece out of boredom and sort of choked.) So here for your viewing and tasting pleasure is a list of the five things I hate about you, LaffyTaffy.

  1. The only thing “laffy” about Laffy Taffy is that there is nothing funny about it.
  2. Laffy Taffy is not taffy. Laffy Taffy is kind of like an edible version of that blue gunk you put on the back of picture frames so you don’t have to pound nails into your wall. On second thought, why not buy the blue gunk and eat that instead? It’d be cheaper and probably taste about the same.
  3. The jokes on Laffy Taffy are not funny.
  4. Nothing should ever be flavored “banana” except for bananas.
  5. Laffy Taffy is just like silly-putty except it doesn’t come in a cool little plastic egg.

And for your additional entertainment (and for all you nay-saying pro-laffy-taffy-ers) here are some of the laffytastic jokes I found on the wrappers.

Q: How do you get an alien baby to sleep? A: You rocket

Q: What is a buccaneer? A: Expensive corn

Q: Johnny, what is the definition of infinity? A: Tonight’s homework assignment

Q: What starts with T, is full of T, and ends with T? A: A teapot.

Buhdum..ching! Now you have suffered your first right of initiation to the college freshmen club of bad humor. Laffy Taffy! There’s a joke on every wrapper! Eat flavored putty marketed as candy and the joke’s on you.

Sleep-Busting Door-Busters (Happy Black Friday)

November 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

Black Friday is upon us again and stores are opening way before some people open their eyes from post-Thanksgiving-dinner slumber. The following list represents only some of the stores offering black Friday deals: Amazon, Express, Sam’s Club, Sears, American Eagle, Best Buy, Apple, Office Depot, Pac Sun, Toys R Us, New York and Company, Old Navy, Aeropostale, and Target. One of the earliest door-openings is Kohls at 12:00 a.m.; others are opening at 3, 4, and 5 a.m., offering the best deals at the earliest hours on a first-come first-serve basis.

The commercial industry knows that if it offers the possibility of a bargain, ordinary people will drive out to the stores to shop for clothes and office supplies and toys at 3 a.m. And if you don’t fall asleep at the wheel and crash your car, you might end up cashing in on some of that bargain.

Thanksgiving Quotes

November 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Here is a compilation of Thanksgiving quotations from a variety of internet sources. I only like the ones by Stewart and Leno, but I figured I should include some serious ones as well to avoid appearing to trivialize the holiday. (But who am I kidding?)

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.  ~Irv Kupcinet

“Our rural ancestors, with little blest,
Patient of labour when the end was rest,
Indulged the day that housed their annual grain,
With feasts, and off’rings, and a thankful strain.”
~Alexander Pope

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” –Jon Stewart

“If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.” – Gerald Good

“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”  -H.U. Westermayer

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” – Jay Leno

Pfefferminz

November 24, 2010 § Leave a comment


Where did Pez come from? Below is a hypothetical scenario leading to its creation.

Bored Guy 1: Let’s make a new candy!

Bored Guy 2: Ok. How about little sugar pills that come in straight foil wrappers?

1:Sounds good. We’ll add different colors and flavors. But we need a more interesting presentation.

2: How about putting it in a toy? People love toys.

1: Yeah but it has to be small and cheap. Let’s make one that dispenses the candy pills!

2: Wait wait wait wait listen to this — we’ll fashion them after popular cartoons. They’ll be sure to sell!

1: So how will people get the candy out?

2: They’ll flip the characters head back and the candy will come out the neck.

1: The neck?!?!?

2: Have any better suggestions?

1: No. What will we call this neck-dispensing gadget?

2: I don’t know. Pick a letter between a and z.

1: P. Your turn.

2: Z.

1: PZ doesn’t spell anything!

2: Yes it does. PZ.

The First People To Try Pez: I’ve always dreamed of tipping back the head of a little plastic voodoo doll to get a tart little colored sugar pill out of the doll’s neck!

(PEZ actually has a rather interesting history. It was created in Austria in a peppermint factory, which is the reason for the outlandish name — p, e, and z are letters from the German word for peppermints. Eduard Haas created the candy in the early 20th century, marketing them first in a rectangular metal tin which was later replaced by a small dispenser to be used by adults as breath mints. PEZ wasn’t marketed to children until the 50s. The U.S. supposedly consumes roughly 3 billion of the little candies each year. For the real history of PEZ, visit http://www.pez.com/index.php)

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.