November 30, 2010 § Leave a comment
Fun facts about the pebble-sized colorful chewy candy.
Fact 1: Skittles were originally a British candy. Unfortunately, the word “skittles” sounds about the same with a British accent as it does in English. Oh well.
Fact 2: The Skittles candy advertising slogan is “taste the rainbow.” But its a lie. You can’t taste the rainbow. Not in Skittle form, at least. The original flavor bag of Skittles features red, purple, yellow, orange, and green skittles… but no blue. Apparently the Wrigley Jr. Company has lied to us. The nerve! Now, you can find blue Skittles in the tropical flavored pack, but not in the original.
Fact 3: Skittles is also the name of a game, a type of bowling that is played on the grass and is too complicated to explain here. It has been suggested that the name actually comes from the onomatopoeic word that describes the noise made when the parts of the game fall down.
Fact 4: The chewy rainbow candy can be fun for adults as well as kids, in the form of Skittles Vodka. I’m not kidding. There’s a recipe online. Drink the rainbow responsibly.
Fact 5: The LGTB community has stolen the slogan. No fair!
Fact 6: You can follow Skittles on twitter (@skittles). Follow the rainbow (minus blue). Here’s @Skittles’ post from last October: “Halloween, the only day I can get away with dressing like myself.”
November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
You can have your own show on the Discovery Health Channel if you
- reproduce exponentially in Arkansas and name all your kids J-names
- like to analyze corpses
- didn’t know you were pregnant
You can have your own show on TLC if you
- are a little person in a big world
- just wanted one more but ended up with six
- like to be da’ bahwuss of da’ bakery
You can have your own show on the Disney Channel if you
- have the best of both worlds
- live a sweet life
- if you’re lucky, like Charlie
You can have your own show on the Weather Channel if you
- experience partly windy conditions followed by sun with a 40% chance of sleet
- like to lie
- get a rush out of catching deadly things
You can have your own show on Nickelodeon if you
- are a hideous 2D character whose ugliness is outweighed only by the brightness of his clothing
- have a voice that sounds prepubescent
- that’s pretty much it
You can have your own show on MTV if you
- grossly over-represent and over-reinforce an ethnicity stereotype – New Jersey, for example
- are teenaged and with child
- were born with a physical deformity and have a sad but true life
You can have your own show on VH1 if you
- are into Rihanna and Michael Jackson and all that jazz
- heart the 70s, 80s, and 90s
- know how to count backwards from twenty to zero
You can have your own show on HGTV if you
- are a boring, middle-class, middle-aged couple looking for a good deal on a house
- are really, really messy
- are homosexual
There’s a show for everybody. You just have to find one that fits your style.
November 27, 2010 § Leave a comment
At my orientation, I was required to attend the activities fair. One table in the corner representing a group was trying to attract new students by handing out free Laffy Taffy. But you weren’t allowed to take one until they read you several of the horrible jokes on the wrapper. They didn’t get many new club members that day. I’m still a little bitter about it, and so I wrote this post hating on Laffy Taffy. (Actually I just ate a piece out of boredom and sort of choked.) So here for your viewing and tasting pleasure is a list of the five things I hate about you, LaffyTaffy.
- The only thing “laffy” about Laffy Taffy is that there is nothing funny about it.
- Laffy Taffy is not taffy. Laffy Taffy is kind of like an edible version of that blue gunk you put on the back of picture frames so you don’t have to pound nails into your wall. On second thought, why not buy the blue gunk and eat that instead? It’d be cheaper and probably taste about the same.
- The jokes on Laffy Taffy are not funny.
- Nothing should ever be flavored “banana” except for bananas.
- Laffy Taffy is just like silly-putty except it doesn’t come in a cool little plastic egg.
And for your additional entertainment (and for all you nay-saying pro-laffy-taffy-ers) here are some of the laffytastic jokes I found on the wrappers.
Q: How do you get an alien baby to sleep? A: You rocket
Q: What is a buccaneer? A: Expensive corn
Q: Johnny, what is the definition of infinity? A: Tonight’s homework assignment
Q: What starts with T, is full of T, and ends with T? A: A teapot.
Buhdum..ching! Now you have suffered your first right of initiation to the college freshmen club of bad humor. Laffy Taffy! There’s a joke on every wrapper! Eat flavored putty marketed as candy and the joke’s on you.
November 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
Black Friday is upon us again and stores are opening way before some people open their eyes from post-Thanksgiving-dinner slumber. The following list represents only some of the stores offering black Friday deals: Amazon, Express, Sam’s Club, Sears, American Eagle, Best Buy, Apple, Office Depot, Pac Sun, Toys R Us, New York and Company, Old Navy, Aeropostale, and Target. One of the earliest door-openings is Kohls at 12:00 a.m.; others are opening at 3, 4, and 5 a.m., offering the best deals at the earliest hours on a first-come first-serve basis.
The commercial industry knows that if it offers the possibility of a bargain, ordinary people will drive out to the stores to shop for clothes and office supplies and toys at 3 a.m. And if you don’t fall asleep at the wheel and crash your car, you might end up cashing in on some of that bargain.
November 25, 2010 § Leave a comment
Here is a compilation of Thanksgiving quotations from a variety of internet sources. I only like the ones by Stewart and Leno, but I figured I should include some serious ones as well to avoid appearing to trivialize the holiday. (But who am I kidding?)
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~Irv Kupcinet
“Our rural ancestors, with little blest,
Patient of labour when the end was rest,
Indulged the day that housed their annual grain,
With feasts, and off’rings, and a thankful strain.”
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” –Jon Stewart
“If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.” – Gerald Good
“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.” -H.U. Westermayer
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” – Jay Leno
November 24, 2010 § Leave a comment
Bored Guy 1: Let’s make a new candy!
Bored Guy 2: Ok. How about little sugar pills that come in straight foil wrappers?
1:Sounds good. We’ll add different colors and flavors. But we need a more interesting presentation.
2: How about putting it in a toy? People love toys.
1: Yeah but it has to be small and cheap. Let’s make one that dispenses the candy pills!
2: Wait wait wait wait listen to this — we’ll fashion them after popular cartoons. They’ll be sure to sell!
1: So how will people get the candy out?
2: They’ll flip the characters head back and the candy will come out the neck.
1: The neck?!?!?
2: Have any better suggestions?
1: No. What will we call this neck-dispensing gadget?
2: I don’t know. Pick a letter between a and z.
1: P. Your turn.
1: PZ doesn’t spell anything!
2: Yes it does. PZ.
The First People To Try Pez: I’ve always dreamed of tipping back the head of a little plastic voodoo doll to get a tart little colored sugar pill out of the doll’s neck!
(PEZ actually has a rather interesting history. It was created in Austria in a peppermint factory, which is the reason for the outlandish name — p, e, and z are letters from the German word for peppermints. Eduard Haas created the candy in the early 20th century, marketing them first in a rectangular metal tin which was later replaced by a small dispenser to be used by adults as breath mints. PEZ wasn’t marketed to children until the 50s. The U.S. supposedly consumes roughly 3 billion of the little candies each year. For the real history of PEZ, visit http://www.pez.com/index.php)
November 23, 2010 § Leave a comment
High School Musical 3 follows Troy and Gabriella and company through their senior year of high school, ending with a heart-touching (not) number about how, even though the former classmates are traveling to opposite ends of the country to pursue their personal goals and dreams, they’ll remain friends forever. Millions of kids sat through those 90 minutes and likely believed every word of it I. I’m guessing that the few adults who attended either criticized the entire time or submitted themselves to 1.5 musical, colorful hours of the willful suspension of disbelief. Through this movie, Disney seems to be claiming that friends are forever. At least, they are in Hollywood. In front of the camera, never behind.
Even though life doesn’t usually work out that way, people still like to hope that it will. In my opinion, that hope is a big part of the reason HSM3 made $16.5 million on its opening day. Granted, a lot of the income was from elementary and junior high girls who just wanted to see Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens sing and dance. But I’d venture to argue that part of the appeal is the message that the movie portrays: the message that friends are fairy-tale quality and that all the people you like will like you back and that those you love will never leave your side.
As we grow up, we learn that this isn’t the case and that life is hardly a Disney movie. But we still like to dream. So I paid my $8 and sat through all the catchy songs and Zanessa nonsense and realized that, even though I was cynically criticizing the characters for claiming they would always be together, they were all doing and saying exactly what I had done and said. I used to have that same hope. As a kid, every time I met a new set of friends I thought, “these will be my buddies forever.” I was always wrong. At first it depressed me, because I missed my friends. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that an ideal social situation is not the one advertised at the end of HSM3, because for that scenario to work, time would have to freeze. But like it or not, we can’t stay in high school forever. (Thank god.) Life is constantly, fluidly moving forward and hence so must be our circles of friendship.
You get friends specific to your location and circumstance, and when either or both of those things changes, so does your peer group. The change isn’t a bad thing — in fact, if you were forced to drag the same set of friends through all of your life’s changes your social life could get unreasonably tiresome. In other words, “We’re all in this together” may be sung with jubilation at the beginning of high school, but its an anthem of doom to adult life.