How To Get On TV

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Having your own television show is easy, as long as you fit the specific qualifications.

You can have your own show on the Discovery Health Channel if you

  • reproduce exponentially in Arkansas and name all your kids J-names
  • like to analyze corpses
  • didn’t know you were pregnant

You can have your own show on TLC if you

  • are a little person in a big world
  • just wanted one more but ended up with six
  • like to be da’ bahwuss of da’ bakery

You can have your own show on the Disney Channel if you

  • have the best of both worlds
  • live a sweet life
  • if you’re lucky, like Charlie

You can have your own show on the Weather Channel if you

  • experience partly windy conditions followed by sun with a 40% chance of sleet
  • like to lie
  • get a rush out of catching deadly things

You can have your own show on Nickelodeon if you

  • are a hideous 2D character whose ugliness is outweighed only by the brightness of his clothing
  • have a voice that sounds prepubescent
  • that’s pretty much it

You can have your own show on MTV if you

  • grossly over-represent and over-reinforce an ethnicity stereotype – New Jersey, for example
  • are teenaged and with child
  • were born with a physical deformity and have a sad but true life

You can have your own show on VH1 if you

  • are into Rihanna and Michael Jackson and all that jazz
  • heart the 70s, 80s, and 90s
  • know how to count backwards from twenty to zero

You can have your own show on HGTV if you

  • are a boring, middle-class, middle-aged couple looking for a good deal on a house
  • are really, really messy
  • are homosexual

There’s a show for everybody. You just have to find one that fits your style.

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